The Root of All Squares (Co-written with Sam Varteniuk)

Two men enter, STAN and WORKER. STAN is carrying a role of black tape.

WORKER
So I was pointing out irony to Uncle Hoary when a man walks in, leading a fat spaniel and carrying a birdcage.

STAN stops, tapes a square approximately two feet square on the ground

WORKER
Why did you tape a square on the ground?

STAN
This is mine.

WORKER
Does this have something to do with irony?

STAN
No. This is new.

WORKER
But I just got irony!

STAN
We have to keep doing new things.

WORKER
Why?

STAN
We’ll do that after we do this.

WORKER
I can’t keep up! I mean, there was irony, and before that the infield fly rule, and before that menopause, and I can’t begin to explain what that is doing to me, not to mention Uncle Hoary.

WORKER moves toward square.

STAN
No, sorry, you can’t come in here.

WORKER
Why not?

STAN
Because this is mine.

WORKER
Is this new?

STAN
Yes, this is new.

WORKER
Okay, but I don’t understand.

STAN
Think of it as your body.

WORKER
The square?

STAN
Yes, the square.

WORKER
Does the square have menopause?

STAN
No.

WORKER
Then how can I think of the square as my body?

STAN
Well, it’s kind of like a stand-in, so the square won’t get hurt.

WORKER
What do you mean?

STAN
That way we can talk about the square without actually talking about the square so you can better understand the square and in this way we will protect the square.

WORKER
So to understand the square we are not allowed to talk about it so as to protect the square, but in this way we will learn more about the square?

STAN
Exactly.

WORKER
Okay.

BOTH
One two three go.

STAN
Now, picture the square as your body. Am I allowed to touch your body?

WORKER
Well, sure you can, Stan.

STAN
But what if you don’t want me to touch your body?

WORKER
Like the old man at the coffee shop who keeps looking at me? If he were going to touch me?

STAN
Exactly.

WORKER
Well, I wouldn’t allow him to touch me.

STAN
Good. Now you’re thinking. After all, he’s all warty and doesn’t have the best intentions.

WORKER
No, he does not have the best intentions at all.

STAN
Ok, now let’s transfer the concept.

WORKER
Huh?

STAN
Let’s move what we have said about your body to the square.

WORKER
Because we are not talking about my body at all, but the square – so as to protect the square.

STAN
Exactly.

WORKER
But shouldn’t we talk about the square?

STAN
Don’t be ridiculous. Now, if we only talked about the square we wouldn’t get anywhere, would we? The square is like your body, my body, anyone’s body. If I don’t want you to touch my body, I won’t let you touch my body. This square is like my body. So, if you want to touch my square and I don’t want you to, I will prevent you.

WORKER
Hmm. I think I understand. But couldn’t we just share the square? There’s a lot of space in your square Stan.

STAN
Okay. Let me give you another example – using the body as a stand-in.

WORKER
To protect the square.

STAN
Yes. We must always protect the square. Now, I am going to pretend to be someone else.

WORKER
Who?

STAN
A stranger. Someone you don’t know.

WORKER
And who will I be?

STAN
Someone you do.

WORKER
Okay.

BOTH
One two three go.

STAN
Excuse me sir.

WORKER
Oh hello. What’s your name?

STAN
My name’s not important.

WORKER
Of course it is. You can’t be a person without a name.

STAN
Of course I can be. Why couldn’t I be?

WORKER
Well, then what would I call you?

STAN
You wouldn’t call me anything.

WORKER
So if you’re not called anything what do I call you?

STAN
Nothing. Call me nothing.

WORKER
So if you are called nothing then you don’t exist.

STAN
Look, this is irrelevant. Can we just get on with my example?

WORKER
Sure.


STAN
All right. One two three go.

WORKER
One two three go.

STAN
Hello sir.

WORKER ignores him.

STAN
Hello sir.

Long Silence.

STAN
Alf. Call me Alf. My bloody name is Alf.

WORKER
Pleased to meet you Alf.

STAN
Fine.

WORKER
Hello. How are you?

STAN
Shut up. You don’t want to talk to me.

WORKER
But you have a lovely name, you sound so interesting.

STAN
Look, I’m someone you don’t want to know. I reek of feces and I don’t know how to have a good time. Under no circumstances do you want to know me any better.

WORKER
But–

STAN
Is that clear? Can we continue?

WORKER
Yes.

STAN
Good. Excuse me sir, but you are a big strapping lad.

WORKER
Well, yes I am. Thank you.

STAN
Full of life and energy. Lots of body on you sir!

WORKER
Well, thank you.

STAN
Lots to go around.

WORKER
The ladies do say so sir.

STAN
And why do they say that you big strapping piece of meat?

WORKER
Because I am a whole lot of man.

STAN
Almost like you’ve got man to spare.

WORKER
You could say that.

STAN
Well give me your hand then.

WORKER
What?

STAN
Give me your hand. I’ve got a hacksaw right over here.

WORKER
You can’t have my hand.

STAN
Why not?

WORKER
It’s mine, and it’s attached to the rest of me.

STAN
I have a remedy for that right over here.

He grabs WORKER’s hand.

WORKER
Hey! Let go!

STAN
Oh come now! You said yourself you’re a whole lot of man!

WORKER
Yes, well, that was just . . . boasting.

STAN
Oh don’t be silly. There’s nothing boastful about it. You’ve got plenty to spare. Stop being so selfish.

A struggle for the appendage ensues. WORKER finally pulls away.

STAN
Good. Now you understand.

WORKER
I understand you’re crazy.

STAN
Remember, that wasn’t me. We were only acting.

WORKER
Of course it was you. Who else could it be?

 STAN
It was Alf.

WORKER
Oh right.

STAN
Okay, what did we learn?

WORKER
We learned that if you want my hand I have to keep you from hacking it off and turning it into a bloody stump.

STAN
Now transfer it to the square.

WORKER
Because we were really talking about the square when we weren’t talking about my body!

STAN
To protect the square.

WORKER
Because we must always protect the square!

STAN
Exactly. I’m glad you see it that way. You taking a part of my square is like me trying to take your hand. Or the warty old man trying to touch you.

WORKER
I guess so.

STAN
And if we allowed that everyone would be walking around with bloody stumps instead of hands. How would we use tools, turn keys, catch infield flies, or masturbate?

WORKER
Yes! How would we masturbate?

Both sigh wistfully.

STAN
Now doesn’t that make sense?

WORKER
Well, I guess so. But I really don’t see how the square relates to my body. Where’s the connection? The square is your body. I get all that. But why would you want to give yourself extra body?

STAN
Because it gives you extra body to touch.

WORKER
Gosh Stan. That’s awfully nice, but….

STAN
Come here. Inside the square.

WORKER
Stan. . .

STAN
Just come here.

WORKER enters square. STAN hits him.

WORKER
Why did you do that?!

STAN
You touched my body, and I decided just then that I didn’t want you to. It’s the law of Cause and Effect.

WORKER
Cause and Effect? This is something new again, isn’t it?

STAN
Hardly! Cause and Effect is everywhere. It’s why we’re both here. It’s why absolutely everything is the way it is. It’s through the miracle of Cause and Effect that we come to understand who we are, where we came from, why one camel has one hump and another two!

WORKER
Some have none at all!

STAN
Now you’re getting it!

WORKER
Do camels have squares?

STAN
Perhaps. But maybe I’m moving too fast. Cause and Effect is the most rudimentary form of education. It teaches us to expect one event or stimulus to be followed by another. For instance, we’ve come to recognise the square as part of my body, and we’ve discussed what happens when undesirable contact is made with our bodies.

WORKER
We slap the old man!

STAN
Well, certainly, if it’s the old man touching us or trying to remove our hand. But suppose you were the source of undesirable contact?

WORKER
Please don’t hit me Stan.

STAN
Well done! Your grasp of the concept is already developing! So if the square is part of my body, what do you suppose might happen if you stepped inside of it?

WORKER steps inside, gets slapped. Repeats confused. Repeats hurt. Epiphany. Once more to test.

WORKER
So when I step into your square, I get slapped!

STAN
Yes. That’s cause and effect.

WORKER
Well that’s brilliant Stan. But I suspect that I’ll just not step in your square any more. Then you won’t have anyone to slap, will you? And if I make a square of my own, then I can slap you when you step in it! But then you wouldn’t step inside my square if you were going to get slapped. Well why don’t I just make my square bigger than yours! Big enough to go all around yours! That way whenever you step out, I get to slap you! Or with my considerably larger square, perhaps I could force you to leave, making your smaller square a part of my big one! We could call it Eviction! Oh this is great fun! Uncle Hoary could have a square too! Perhaps everyone could have a square. And we could take them all, Uncle Hoary and I! We’ll call it Conquest. We could have a . . . a . . . MegaSquare! And charge Rent – no! – Tribute! Yes, I like that! Uncle Hoary and I could set up a responsible oligarchy, or a tyranny! Debt slavery, laws, brute squads, workfare. And just to make sure you don’t get clever on us Stan, we could alter our square to an oscillating grid pattern!

STAN
Momentarily stunned.

No, that’s a stupid idea. And you’ve wandered into my square again.

He hits him. Another struggle, at the end of which WORKER has obtained the tape. He proceeds to create a square of his own.

STAN
He nurses a sore whatever.

I see you’ve got a square. I suppose you think you’re pretty clever now. Any imbecile can create a square you know. I’m really not impressed at all. The real test is to keep your square, and you can’t do that without material worth. Your square has absolutely no Material Worth and, consequently, neither do you.

WORKER
I’m not falling for that Stan. How do I know that you haven’t just made up this Material Worth?

STAN
My God man! Do I have to explain everything to you? The proof is staring you right in the face! Do you see anyone anxious to acquire anything in your square?

WORKER
No, but I don’t see anyone trying to acquire anything from your square either.

STAN
Why, just a moment ago you violently assaulted me to obtain the tape. Of course, I allowed you to have it seeing as it was worthless to me. I had already created my square. But how do you propose to protect yourself from similar attacks? Why, any band of vagrants could come along at any moment and forcibly acquire all you have. I have protected myself with Material Worth, something I have and you obviously do not. With it I can acquire protection for my square. I shudder to think what will happen to you without it.

WORKER
I’m not going to let any vagrant take control of my square!

STAN
Well then I suggest you acquire some Material Worth.

WORKER
Well then I suggest I will then! Fine! Material Worth it is then!

He thinks for a moment to no avail.

Okay Stan how do I acquire Material Worth?

STAN
Do you know the saying You are what you eat?

WORKER
Yes.

STAN
Well it works on the same principle – you are what you have.

WORKER
Because you eat it?

STAN
Well, not necessarily, but some possessions you could eat if you wanted to! Look, you eat the heart of a liar, you get the strength of that liar, right?

WORKER nods.

Well, if you possess value then you yourself are valuable.

WORKER
Where does value come from?

STAN
See, that’s not important! You’re asking the wrong questions! It doesn’t matter where value comes from. You should just be asking “How do I get value?”

WORKER
Alright. How do I get value?

STAN
You exchange something for it. If you give me something I will give you something of value in return.

He stoops down.

Like this shiny rock for instance.

WORKER stares rapt at the rock until STAN enfolds it in his hand. He teases WORKER with glimpses of it periodically.

WORKER
So, hypothetically, if I want that shiny rock of yours I have to give you something. In exchange for it. Well, here is a stick. Give me the rock.

WORKER picks up a gun-shaped stick and points it at STAN.

STAN
No, I don’t want to.

WORKER
Why not?

STAN
Your stick isn’t worth anything.

WORKER
Sure it is. It’s heavy, hard, good for clubbing small animals. What more could you ask for?

STAN
What about a pointed stick?

WORKER
A pointed stick!?

STAN
Yes, and with this shiny rock you just might be able to give that stick a nice point! It would be useful, and therefore valuable. But until then the stick has no value. Also the fact that you want my shiny rock increases its value and decreases the value of your stick even further.

WORKER
So that rock has value.

STAN
Yes.

WORKER
Because it has value I want it.

STAN
Correct.

WORKER
Because it will give me value to have it.

STAN
Precisely.

WORKER
And to get that rock from you I have to give you something that has a use.

STAN
Certainly.

WORKER
But because I want that rock and you don’t want this perfectly useless stick the rock is worth more and the stick is worth less.

STAN
Well done.

WORKER

He throws down the stick.

So what do I do to get the rock?

STAN
Probably the only thing I will accept is a rock just like it.

WORKER

He stoops down

Well here’s one for you my good man!

STAN
I don’t want that rock! I want a rock just like my rock.

WORKER
Wait a minute. This rock is very much like yours. In fact mine is even a bit bigger. You could probably use it to crack bones, coconuts, childproof bottles. It should probably be worth more because it doesn’t just sit around and hold value.

STAN
But it is not like this rock. The only rock like this rock is the one in my square. I only want rocks like the one I have in my square.

WORKER
But we already went through this. I’m not allowed to touch your square or anything in it. How am I supposed to get a rock like your rock to exchange for your rock?

STAN
That’s your problem, not mine.

WORKER puts down his rock. There is a long pause while STAN lets WORKER stew.

STAN
Okay. I have an idea. But it will only work if you really really want the rock.

WORKER
Yes! I do. I really want the rock.

STAN
I will “lend” you a rock. It’s like giving only a little bit different. I will lend you a rock so that you can acquire this rock that you want so desperately. But I am only lending the rock. That means you have to give it back.

WORKER
I guess that’s fair.

STAN
Oh yes it is fair isn’t it? I’ve given you my rock to use to get a rock of your own. But in the meantime I’ve gone without my rock. What do I get in compensation for going without my rock? Nothing! Does that seem fair? Plus I went to the trouble of finding the rock. What happens if you lose my rock? If you do, you don’t suffer any of the consequences because it’s my rock that has been lost! Does that seem fair?

WORKER
It doesn’t seem very fair at all, Stan.

STAN
No. You’re taking me for quite a ride aren’t you? I mean, here I am doing you a favour and all you do is take take take. You certainly are an avaricious lout. 

WORKER
I’m sorry Stan. I didn’t realize how greedy I was being. How can we make this fair?

STAN
Well, for every rock you get from me you have to give me two rocks back. One for the rock I originally lent you and one to compensate for the time I lost with my rock, not to mention all the wear and tear and the like from so much changing of hands. So rather than getting the rock for nothing you pay for it.

WORKER
Um…ok.

STAN
So you agree.

WORKER
Yeah. Sure.

STAN
Say it with conviction! Because it’s only worth doing if you really want the rock.

WORKER
Give me the fucking rock.

STAN
Ok, I’m going to explain this only once so pay attention. I am going to lend you a rock, you are going to use that rock to buy this rock, but remember in the end you will owe me two rocks. Do you understand and agree?

WORKER
I do.

STAN
Ok. Now there is no point in me giving you my rock since when I lend it to you, you are going to give it back to me anyway to pay for this rock. But now you owe me two rocks so I’ll keep this one that you own in payment. Now you owe me another rock.

WORKER

Looks thoughtfully at his empty hand.

How do I get a rock? I still don’t have a rock. All I want is one of your rocks.

STAN
Well, you could borrow more rocks, but you will have to pay me back two rocks for each one you borrow.

WORKER
Ok. I’d like to borrow another rock then please.

STAN
Very well then. There you are. Now you owe me two rocks.

WORKER
What!

STAN
Look. It’s perfectly simple. You borrowed another rock, meaning you owe me two in return plus the one you owed me from before, for a grand total of three. Again, I’ll deduct this rock that you purchased in payment, leaving you with a debt of two rocks.

WORKER
No! No more! I don’t want your stupid rock. How about that? Take your rock and shove it. I don’t need your stupid rock for anything. I just want it, I don’t need it. It doesn’t have any value outside of your stupid little system anyway.

STAN

Long pause.

Do you still want this rock?

WORKER
No I don’t. I already said so.

STAN
Are you sure you don’t want it?

WORKER
Yes. I think I was quite clear on that.

STAN
Well you know what that means. Since you don’t want it, the rock has decreased in value!

WORKER
Really?

STAN
That’s right! For this short time only we’re having a two rocks for the price of one sale!

WORKER
Wow!

STAN
But it’s for a short time only! If you don’t hurry you might miss this deal for ever.

WORKER
Well I want to buy! I want to buy! How do I buy?

STAN
Well, i’ll lend you three rocks – two so you can pay back the two you owe me and one more so that you can buy two. There you are. So you’ll purchase two rocks with your one, which you’ll give back to me to start paying for the six you owe me for borrowing the first three. Now you only owe me four rocks!

WORKER
I’ve slipped further into debt! I’d like to borrow five rocks please.

STAN
Very well! Now you owe me eight rocks.

WORKER
Nine rocks!

STAN
Sixteen!

WORKER
Seventeen rocks!

STAN
Thirty-two!

WORKER
Thirty-thre–

STAN
Wait a minute! Hold it just a minute! You’ve become a bad investment risk! You already owe me thirty-two rocks and you expect me to loan you more?

WORKER
What can I do Stan?

STAN
I have no choice but to repossess your collateral.

WORKER
What’s collateral? Do I have any?

STAN
Collateral is something of value that you offer to me in the event that you can’t pay your debts – your square, for instance. But since you didn’t ever actually gain any Material Worth, your square doesn’t have any value. And neither do you. You certainly didn’t manage your finances very cleverly.

WORKER
Oh Stan! Take pity on me! Help me move from red to black!

STAN
Well, I suppose I could do you a favour. You’ll have to start by forfeiting your square to me, although that won’t suffice seeing as your square has no value.

WORKER
So i’m still in debt! And without a square!

STAN
And don’t forget the roaming vagrants.

WORKER
The roaming vagrants!

STAN
Your situation certainly is grim. No square, desperately in debt, exposed to roaming vagrants, old men with hacksaws waiting to chop off your hand. I’m glad i’m safe in my square.

WORKER
Stan you’ve got to let me in your square! I won’t even survive the night!

STAN
How perfectly perverse! You all over my body! And I thought I knew you.

WORKER
Oh irony!

STAN
I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you come in my square if you work for me. That way you could pay off your debt.

WORKER

He looks around nervously.

What kind of work would I be doing?

STAN
Mostly custodial and secretarial tasks. A square requires quite a bit of maintenance. It’s not just some passing fancy that any fool can enjoy.

WORKER
But all you did was put tape on the ground. What do we need to do to the ground that we didn’t have to do before?

STAN
It doesn’t sound like you’re being very supportive of the square.

WORKER
No, I didn’t mean it that–

STAN
In fact, I don’t think I like your tone at all. That sounded to me like an outright condemnation of the square.

WORKER
Oh no–

STAN
Whatever happened to protecting the square? I thought we’d forged a sacred trust to uphold the honour and dignity of the square at all costs.

WORKER
I never meant to insult the square. I was just wondering how the ground changes by being part of the square. If I thought for an instant that the square might–

STAN
Either you’re for the square or you’re against it.

WORKER
Oh I’m for the square! Definitely for the square!

STAN
It certainly didn’t sound that way a moment ago.

WORKER
No! I want to protect the square! Please let me into the square!

STAN
Why would I want an obvious subversive like you in my square? How do I know you have the square’s best interests at heart?

WORKER
I’ll do anything! Let me prove my loyalty to the square.

STAN
And how do you propose to do that?

WORKER
I don’t know Stan just let me into your square!

STAN
How about a lifetime of servitude?

WORKER
I don’t know Stan. A lifetime is a long time.

STAN
Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only a moment. You’ll hardly even take note of it going by.

WORKER
Oh but I will. I’ve noticed all my life so far. That’s taken a while. And I think I’ve got more left to live than what I’ve lived so far.

STAN
You are prudish, arrogant, and incurably vain. I don’t think I want to associate with you anymore.

WORKER
I am not! Not for saying I have a long life.

STAN
You certainly are. It’s chronological bigotry. Are you too narrow minded to think of anything but yourself? Consider the glaciers.

WORKER
The glaciers?

STAN
Yes, you ignorant tit. What’s your lifetime to the glaciers? They were here years before you and will be for years after.

WORKER
Leave the glaciers out of this Stan!

 STAN
Well isn’t that just like a subversive! You use the glaciers for your own purposes and then casually discard them when they are no longer of use to you. You make me sick.

WORKER
How have I used the glaciers! I’ve never asked a thing of them!

STAN
Well you drink from the river don’t you? How do you think the river bed was carved out? The glaciers have been hard at work for centuries making lakes and rivers for ungrateful fools like you. You owe a lot to glacial motion.

WORKER
Are you trying to tell me that the glaciers move?!

STAN
Certainly. Why, some day glaciers will fill this entire valley!

WORKER
My god Stan, we’ve got to get out of here! the glaciers are coming!

WORKER starts to run away. STAN grabs him and pulls him into the square.

STAN
Don’t worry! It will be centuries before the glaciers get here. They have all the time in the world, and your lifetime for them only means a couple of metres of movement. Do you see now how insignificant you are? The square, however, will be here long after we will, so we must protect it, and let it protect us. A square is more than just a thing; by creating a square we’ve created something timeless, something that is worth working and dying for. And when the glaciers come, we may not be here but the square will. Don’t you understand my boy, I’m offering you immortality!

WORKER
I think fate’s gotten the better of me Stan.

STAN
Call it fate if that makes you feel better, but everything that’s occurred has happened as a direct result of your own actions and my concern for your well-being. Look, you are desperately in debt, hopelessly exposed to all the dangers of the world, without any material worth or pointed sticks, and your reputation as a subversive will make it very difficult for you to get work anywhere else. Working for me in my square is the best thing that could ever happen to you! Are you so short-sighted that you’ll pass up your only hope?

WORKER
Alright Stan. I’ll work for you in your square. Uncle Hoary always taught me to be responsible, and if it takes a lifetime of servitude to prove that I am, then I guess that’s just the way it is. What do you want me to do first?

STAN
Why not give the square a good cleaning. It’s filthy in here.

WORKER begins to clean the square, constantly stepping on STAN’s feet due to the extremely confined space.

STAN
Ouch!

WORKER
Sorry.

STAN
Stop it! Stop it! You can clean the square later.

WORKER
Well what do you want me to do then?

STAN
I don’t know! Just keep everything in order until you’re needed. You’re a maintenance man. Maintain!

Long pause. Sun begins to set.

WORKER

He yawns.

Well, time to turn in Stan. Goodnight!

STAN
Goodnight.

Both try to lay down. WORKER gets bumped out of the square. Stands up, brushes himself off, realizes he is outside of square ergo unprotected. Screams, rushes back into STAN, who has just begun to get himself comfortable on the ground. General confusion. Eventually both are left standing in the square again.

WORKER
There’s not enough room Stan!

STAN
Well, we’ll just have to make our square bigger then. Give me the tape.

They search for tape and discover WORKER has dropped it outside the square. Both stare dumbly at the tape.

STAN
Go out there and get it!

WORKER
I’m not going out there! Not without any material worth!

STAN
Fine then I’ll get it.

WORKER
Don’t go out there Stan! You’ll get yourself killed! You’ll be leaving the square unprotected. We must protect the square at all costs, remember? Or was that just pillow talk?

STAN looks at WORKER, infuriated.

STAN
No. No. Fine. Fine then. We don’t leave the bloody square! I mean the blessed square. Right. Protect the square. Well done.

WORKER
We’ll just wait for Uncle Hoary. Maybe he’ll come by and get the tape for us.

STAN
Right then. Fine. Waiting for Uncle Hoary.

WORKER
Waiting for Uncle Hoary.

STAN
Waiting for Uncle bloody Hoary.

A long pause.

Fuck.

Lights.

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