Recently, a friend asked me, “why don’t you want to be a parent?”
It’s been a long time since anyone asked me that question, and my first response didn’t seem right.
So, I thought about it some more.
Fortunately, some time earlier, the same friend had asked me to define what I meant by “parent.”
I define “parent,” as a person for whom a child is the most important consideration in his or her life. A parent, in this definition, is a person who gives ultimate weight to the well being of a child when making decisions about life.
By reflecting on that definition, it became clear to me why I don’t want to be a parent.
I don’t want to be a parent because I am not prepared to give a child that level of consideration in my life’s decisions. Moreover, I’m not prepared to sire and/or raise a child, unless I am willing to give him or her that level of consideration.
I should say, my observation is personal and not general.
I think it’s possible for parents to live very fulfilling and productive lives, however, I’m not convinced that I could live the life I want to live, while giving a child’s well being ultimate consideration.
How do you define “parent?”
Are you a parent? Why did you become a parent?
Not a parent? Why do you want to become a parent, or why don’t you want to become a parent?
Lady Rose
December 28, 2011
This is my third attempt to write a comment. I don’t know why it’s so hard to verbalize my thoughts on something that’s obviously a pertinent issue for me!
So, I have to go back to work in two months. The thought that has been plaguing me is that it is not in the best interest of my child to send her to daycare. Now, I went to daycare as a child and I’m not suggesting daycare is a bad thing BUT more and more I really feel like I am the best possible caregiver for my baby (no one was more surprised about that than me). So it feels to me that going back to work is not making the best decision for the well being of my child.
I am still an independent human who has her own needs/wants; and while I now have a tiny human for which I am responsible that doesn’t mean I can entirely ignore myself to ensure the best possible life for her.
I think that being a parent basically means becoming a selfless being. Or that is what thought I guess until I was faced with a hard decision and I chose the selfish path.
Sterling Lynch
December 29, 2011
I agree. A parent can’t and shouldn’t ignore him or herself. A parent needs to be healthy and happy to maximize the well being of his or her child. For this reason, I don’t think “giving priority to the well being of a child” is the same as “selfless”. Moreover, I’m not even sure it would be good for a child to be raised by a person who is selfless. Kids need to learn the give and take that comes with loving and being loved by another self.
Lady Rose
January 6, 2012
I don’t know, I’ve been chewing on this for days. Many days since I see that this blog entry was posted last year!
It’s just that a parent’s love isn’t the same as romantic love or friendship love. I’m not sure there is the same amount of give and take as there is in other relationships. Parents have to forgive and forgive and forgive because lots of kids are assholes. I was certainly an asshole to my mom at times.
I’m not suggesting that you let your child walk all over you but a parent should be a rock-steady presence in a child’s life. Or maybe that’s what I want to be for my child.
Anyways, my other thought reading the post again is that I don’t have a clear idea of what level of consideration you’re talking about. What life decisions are you not willing to factor a child into? I need specifics, not just vague philosophy.
Sterling Lynch
January 6, 2012
I do tend to go a bit abstract, so asking for concrete examples is always fair.
I guess my first inclination is to say it’s a state of mind. Why am I doing this? Oh because of X (where X equals child). Why am I not doing that? Because of X. X (the child, the goal, the relationship) is the guiding principle, the master narrative, the glue… etc.
Now that’s not very concrete but that’s what first came to mind.
Here are a couple of concrete examples I’ve written about before.
Ok, Sterling, your number one priority is to finish this thesis. The only way to do that is if you take time off and do something else. Sure, I can’t go on any long trips for the next six month but I sure can take a couple of hours off each day.
Ok, this person is the most important person in my life. The only way we can survive is if I go and work in the coal mine. I will go work in the coal mine and I will be happy about it because it will ensure the well being of this other person.
Fortunately, we live in a world now where (for some of us) there are more choices than coal mines. And from there, the reasoning carries on.
Imagine, for example, that I like coal mining (for some reason). Hmm, I will live longer and, say, make more money, if I go do this other job which is also reasonably OK. Alright, I better go do that. Why? Because my long term health is more important for my child than whatever unique pleasure I get from coal mining. There are other pleasures in the world that do not threaten the well being of my child, I will pursue those instead.
One word of caution.
There’s a BIG difference between giving ultimate wight to your child’s well-being and given ultimate weight to your assessment of what is best for your child.
Lady Rose
January 6, 2012
But how on earth do I know what is best for my child and what is just my assessment of what is best for my child? It’s not like there’s a chart I can refer to. In the end I only have my own instincts as to what is going to produce the healthiest/happiest little human I can.
Your concrete examples are still a bit abstract for me. But I was probably looking for something more along the lines of; I don’t want to be a parent because
a) I’m not interested in maintaining a long-term relationship
b) I would like to travel internationally a great deal
c) I want to be able to masturbate in my living room ANY TIME I WANT TO
d) I shudder at the thought of caring for a teenager.
You know…concrete stuff. I’m just always curious because some of the people I know who don’t have kids I find their reasons for not having kids weird. Like having a child would leave them no time to do anything other than child rearing for 18 years.
Sterling Lynch
January 6, 2012
Actually, there’s lots of people, books, and experience to draw on. If your instinct does not accord with the broad consensus, it might be a good reason not to trust your instinct.
Well, it’s kind of a given that you will find my reasons weird and I suspect my explanation will also seem too abstract.
Living for a child or children and nothing else as opposed to having the opportunity to live for anything or something else in particular — well, that’s a pretty big difference for me. The high ideal is what matters most for me. Once I have a child, I won’t be able to live for anything else. I suspect it is the same reason why so many religious traditions expect their holy folk to renounce having a family.
Which also explains why I haven’t got a vasectomy. I’ve considered it on more than one occasion and each time I conclude that the security of not ever having children is not worth the risk of learning later in life that I do want children sired by me. I can imagine circumstances when I would choose to live a life where a child and children and family are the highest priority. As it stands now, I don’t want it, don’t expect to want it, but who knows… ?
Lady Rose
January 7, 2012
Yes, there are lots of resources. But saying there’s a consensus in the field of parenting would be much like saying that there is a consensus in the field of philosophy. Many approaches to parenting are in direct opposition to others: tummy time, no tummy time; family bed, crib; breast milk, formula; help them to stand, let them stand only when they can pull themselves up; ferberizing; baby whisperer; attachment parenting; the list goes on and on and on and on.
So, in the end, how are you supposed to choose between the different camps of parenting? All you can do is pick and choose the bits that you think will work best for you and your child. Is that not using your instincts to assess what is best for said child?
And you’re right, I do find your explanation a bit weird (though I’m not at all sure why that’s a given).
But that’s just because I don’t understand the “being able to live for nothing else” bit. It doesn’t jive with the other vibe I’m getting off you that the idea of selflessness is abhorrent when raising children.
I’ll chalk it up to the difficulty of conversing about this via writing rather than talking or that having a baby has dulled my powers of cognition.
Sterling Lynch
January 7, 2012
I will admit that I haven’t surveyed the literature on parenting but I think it’s worth pointing out that a mere difference in opinion doesn’t necessarily mean there isn’t also a broad consensus. All inquiry begins and ends with some level of consensus; without it, inquiry would be impossible. You can only argue about the number of angles dancing on pins, if you first agree there angles, pins, dancing, etc.
Moreover, from a historical perspective, the contemporary obsession with the nuances of parenting is very new and, in my opinion, not very helpful for kids, parents, or society.
A lot for me depends on what you mean by the word “instinct”. A pregnant friend of mine recently remarked that she hopes she doesn’t become the kind of parent who uses the excuse of her child’s well-being to justify a whole bunch of choices she really wants to make for herself.
My favorite example is the “lets buy a big home in the suburbs for the well being of our child” story. There are reasonable reasons to want a big house in the suburbs but the least relevant is the well being of an infant. And, as far as I can tell, suburb living sucks for all ages of kids.
I suppose that offers a possible explanation why there are so many boutique theories of parenting. It allows different parents to justify their own choices with reference to the parenting flav du jour.
Reading, writing, and reading is certainly slower…
I think the uncertainly emerges because I see shades of grey, where it seems, at this moment, you don’t.
So, it’s worth pointing out that “giving ultimate regard to a child’s well being”, in my understanding of the phrase, doesn’t mean maximizing the well being of a child at every moment. Moreover, “well being” is a pretty broad term. I will happily make my kids unhappy for a few moments (no you can’t eat your donut now) if I think it will make him or her better off in the long run.
Which seems to come around to Nadine’s point about my own reasons for not wanting to be a parent. And I think she’s right. If the right circumstances come together, I will want to do it. Until that time, I won’t. The details are inconsequential to me. If I choose to have a kid, then I will make the details work (a study with a a locked door, or, as I prefer to call it, a masturbatorium).
It occurs to me: maybe I want to be a grandparent without all the hassle of being a parent first.
nadinethornhill
January 7, 2012
I am now going to refer to my shower stall as ‘The Masturbatorium’.
Oh dear. I’ve said too much. :-p
Sterling Lynch
January 7, 2012
I always thought the shower was the designated masturbatorium of every household. I mean, those detachable water saving shower heads sure ain’t massaging my back to any good effect.
nadinethornhill
January 7, 2012
I’m just always curious because some of the people I know who don’t have kids I find their reasons for not having kids weird. Like having a child would leave them no time to do anything other than child rearing for 18 years.
My partner and I have one child and currently there are no plans for more. Once The Green Bean was born, people expected that we would have a least one more child. I guess that’s typical. Even we were making our family plan of “Let’s have one kid and see how it goes”, I know my husband and I both assumed that how it would go would be at least two kids.
We were wrong.
I haven’t had another child and I suspect I won’t have another child, because I don’t want to. I can cite a dozen pragmatic reasons – I want time for my career, I want time to travel, it’s too expensive – but none of those are the reason. Before we had The Bean, I yearned for a child. I knew work would be more challenging, travel less frequent and finances stretched. But I was willing to make the compromises I had to to have child because I desperately wanted one.
But I haven’t felt that burning desire again. I couldn’t tell you why exactly And I don’t know if it will come back, but unless it does I won’t have more children.
All of this to say, that while this is my experience and not Sterling’s, maybe it’s hard to be absolutely concrete about the reasons we do and don’t want a child/children.
nadinethornhill
January 6, 2012
Why did I choose to become a parent? Brace yourself. This is going to be a long one…
Growing up, I always assumed I’d have kids someday. It wasn’t until The Man of Mans and I had been married for awhile and facing the inevitable “Isn’t about time you two had some kids?” that I began to question whether I actually wanted to have kids.
I thought about it. The MoMs and I discussed it. For years. But ultimately, it came down to instinct. I would see babies, children…even teenagers and I would just ache. It wasn’t a bad or a sad ache. It was like my heart was too full. I loved The MoMs, my friends and my family but there was more to give.
Enter The Green Bean.
“A parent, in this definition, is a person who gives ultimate weight to the well being of a child when making decisions about life.”
Yes. For me that’s not the same as giving my child’s well-being *sole* weight. You and I both know that I’m not big on self-sacrifice as a parenting method. I was raised by a self-sacrificing mother and that wasn’t good for anyone.
But if it comes down to it, The Green Bean’s well-being and survival is my top priority. It hit me a few days after he was born. I looked into his crib and knew with absolute certainty that if I had to kill someone to ensure his survival, I would do it. I knew if I had a choice between his life or mine that I would let myself die, without hesitation. I’d never felt as vulnerably human and it was terrifying. It still is.
The Green Bean arrival quelled that sense of longing I had. I am madly in love with that kid. I’m far more creative and industrious than I used to be. I’m more motivated, less burdened by my perfectionist tendencies. I feel more capable than I did. I’m far from Mother of the Year, yet I feel that I really started to come into my own when The Bean was born.
I wanted to become a parent, because I believed somewhere, someone needed me as a mother. Turns out I needed him just as much.
Lady Rose
January 6, 2012
Hi Nadine. I’m Amanda. I have a clarifying question for you if you don’t mind me asking. As a new parent I find I’m still trying to sort out how the heck this mothering thing works. For me, the balance between her needs and my needs is posing a constant challenge for me. Now, she is still just a baby so obviously her needs are much higher now than they will be in the coming years but I can see how parenting could be a very slippery slope.
You mention that you feel that self-sacrifice is not the best approach to parenting. Then in the next breath you say you would make the ultimate sacrifice for your child (giving your own life). So is it just a matter of degrees? I mean, for me, obviously if a bus was hurtling towards us and I only had time to save one of us I would save my daughter but how do you break down that protection/well being instinct into more day to day examples?
Last night I was exhausted after a difficult day with baby. I wanted to lie down and read a book. But I realized the freezer was empty and I needed to make some baby food for the next day, so I did it. I think the food I make is better for her than the food I can buy in a jar so I sacrificed my desire to recline to prepare some wholesome food for her. Was that an appropriate or inappropriate level of sacrifice? I guess I’m not asking that as a real question, it’s just more of an example to highlight my struggle to know when I am weighing her needs too strongly.
nadinethornhill
January 6, 2012
Hi Amanda,
Welcome to the crazy world of parenting! Let me start by assuring you that I am by no means an expert. Anything I say in relation to parenting is only what works (and sometimes doesn’t work at all) for me.
Your bus example is a perfect example of what I meant when I said I would kill/die for my son. If my son and I were involved in a situation where someone had to go, I would do everything in my power to ensure it wasn’t him. Fortunately, I haven’t been forced to make that sacrifice.
As for the day to day, here’s an example of how I do things. It was the day before The Green Bean went back to school for the New Year. I’d really enjoyed our Christmas holiday, but after eleven solid days of house guests, cooking, traveling, I was feeling drained. After all the excitement The Bean was understandably bored and feeling a letdown. He wanted me to entertain him. I wanted some peach, quiet and a cup of tea. The ideal course of action for him would have been for me to spend some time play, colouring or taking him to the park. But I didn’t want to, so I did the checklist:
a) If I don’t play with him now, will it harm him?
b) Is there something else I can offer him, that will allow me to tend to my own needs?
c) Will that something else harm him?
In this case, I made him play in the backyard for 30 minutes. He was kind of bored and a little cold, but at least he got some fresh air. Meanwhile I had my quiet and my tea. When The Bean came in, he was none the worse for wear. That’s kind of how I operate.
But…
I second-guess myself. I question the appropriateness of my choices and my feelings. I screw up. In ways I’m aware of now and in others, I probably won’t know about until The Bean starts his own blog. I guess five years in, I’m just used to feeling that way. I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that I’m reasonably smart, my intentions are good and I love my little boy great, big gobs. Hopefully that’s enough.
You’re doing the best you can at an incredibly demanding, relentless job. Parenting is HARD, yo! But the fact that you’re struggling to sort out the best way forward for you and your daughter…tells me you’re probably a darn good Mom.
Sterling Lynch
January 6, 2012
Thanks, Nadine. Beautiful response.
When I reflect on it, I think I would have a similarly rabid sense of protection. Just imagining it riles my blood up.
Similarly, I can also see how having a child would likely make me a better person too. E.g. Ok, to maximize my child’s well being, s/he’s going to need friends, connections, and community, I better get ingratiating.
Having said that, I still think I’d rather play uncle to a Tiny Tim than spawn my own offspring. That way I can have the best of both worlds. Play with him or her when s/he is happy, help out when s/he is in need, and return him or her to the parents when s/he being a crank little snot.
Having said that, feeding someone’s cat while they are away sounds ideal.
nadinethornhill
January 7, 2012
I’m an actual aunt to three (soon to be four) children and aunt-like person to several of my friends’ kids. My experience is exactly as you describe it — enjoying the best of small people, while avoiding all their bullshit.
Sterling Lynch
January 7, 2012
Bliss!